True Happiness, to me, is intangible. It can't be purchased through objects or other material items. It's what makes our skin glow & smiles genuine. Something pure.. It's something deep within our hearts. I believe that happiness comes from within us. In order to see something in a positive way, you must already share it throughout.
A way I've come to cope with the stress of everyday life is through meditation. Soothing, relaxing, simple meditation. I roll out my yoga mat, light some candles, put on a soothing ambiance tune & sit in a comfortable position keeping my posture aligned. Through the first days, it was not that comfortable.. I learned I slouch too much. But each night I go over something new in my head. Something that I can learn to work past, with time.
This particular night, was from a year & a half ago. I was battling a eating disorder, alone. I had found one of my old journals I would write my thoughts in after my meditations sessions to help fight it off. I crawled deep inside my inner thoughts to question my eating & workout habits & find more self confidence in myself.. the healthy way. This was the night I broke my bulimia. The night I became healthy again.
It went something like this:
If I stop eating junk food, I won't feel the need to purge. The feeling of disgust in my body will vanish. & when I replace those processed fats & sugars with healthy, natural fats & sugars, the cravings for junk food will end. Then through diet alone, I can fight my eating disorder because the urge to purge will be no more. What I intake into my body will be satisfying & healthy. Then I can begin the healing process of my body, from the inside out. Because once I find my inner happiness, it will rise through my pours & illuminate my skin.
Another way I sought through my meditation to free myself of my bulimia is through exercise. My problem was commitment, but also remorse. Through my diet, I wasn't able to feel happy. I would over-eat until I felt sick. This in turn, filled myself with much sorrow, as it would make my on-again, off-again workouts void. But once my body starts to change from the inside & through the valor I put into it, my exercises will succeed. & I will begin to find confidence in myself.
It saddens me to that I was down a path that, to many, is a never-ending cycle of self critical hate. The thing about having an eating disorder, is that no matter how much weight you loose, or how skinny you become, it's never enough. & you'll never be content with your body. From this, raises competition & jealousy when looking at others who have what you deem to be 'perfection'. & as the negativity rises, it's hard to stop it. Soon your friends, family & yourself don't even recognize the person you've become.
But the good thing about this is we are ALL HUMAN. We were brought to this earth to make mistakes & to learn from them. & that's just it; humans can change. We can evolve strength to overcome the clasps of the negative realm our mind possess. Take that streak of light that shines through the rough & RUN with it.
I then reached deeper into my soul & asked myself, 'why do I want to be confident?' My answer: 'because I want to be an inspiration. I want to be able to inspire people who have been in the darkness that I have been to & let them know it's okay. & once you have prevailed, & if you question all the endeavors you've encountered just to be where you are right now, say this to yourself, out loud: BECAUSE I AM CONFIDENT. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM THE RADIANCE & I AM THE CHANGE'...
... & then the cycle starts with you.
*end journal writings*
I wanted to share my story in hopes to inspire other people who went through similar situations as me. As a tip, never go through this alone. Self-critical challenges are extremely difficult, & I am lucky to have had such strength to overcome it. Always continue to surround yourself with people who inspire you to do good in this world. Judge not, but take heed. You will be able to weave out the bad. & If you know anyone who you think might be struggling with an eating disorder, send them this post, & let them know you care.
To this day, it's an on-going journey. But through resilience, an open mind & lightheartedness, true happiness & self-fulfillment will find its way to my corner of the world & leaks its sunny rays towards my soul. Through whichever means possible.